Transitions & Transformation Part II: Fully Investing in the Pursuit

This is part two of an X-part series entitled "Transitions & Transformation", read part one HERE.

One day I was praying & I told Him straight up, “God, if this is really what you want me to pursue you said that you would make provision.” It had been a year since I graduated from college, & summer seemed as though it was going to be another dry period of inconsistent income. Therefore, allowing for no financial planning or independence. I had a bachelor’s degree in Dance & still had not found my “dream dance job”. I’d just finished my second semester working a part-time job at an afterschool program, which paid me way less than the job was worth. I loved the kids so I didn’t let the pay discourage me. I knew that the chances were slim to none that I’d return there.

Before that job, I felt as though I was doing nothing. Semi-rehearsing with a dance company that couldn’t afford to pay me anything, and most days were spent at home or out spending money I didn’t have on lunch & shopping trips with my working friends. I began to feel depressed because I thought that I didn’t have anything going for myself. Many of my friends I had graduated with were at full-time 9-5s, or grad school, or touring around the world as professional dancers. Lack of self-confidence, lack of trust in God & operating in fear is what led me to feel desperate for work.

This desperation led me to make rash decisions that really didn’t require any faith or consultation from God. Thankfully, I was placed in positions such as the afterschool program & the dance company where I was blessed although I strongly believe that I was not led to those places after getting guidance from God. Those jobs were results of decisions I had made because I believed my self-worth was equivalent to my post-grad success. Many people thought that pursing a career in dance did not seem promising and I had strong desire to prove them wrong.

But I was still unsatisfied. I was not fully invested in the pursuit of my God-given purpose. Keeping my job as an afterschool tutor would not allow for me to fully invest myself, so I made the decision to quit. Here I am, back to square one doing a bunch of work for free. But God said, “Where I send you there will be provision.” Okay God, show me what you got.

Let me tell you what God did.

i want power.

"At the core of every human endeavor is the pursuit of one thing. It is that which was lost long ago and has been vigorously grasped at by every means imaginable ever since. Most don't realize it is what they have dedicated their life's energy to because we cloak it in many different names and superficial identifications.

What is this great motivator of mankind - Power, that's right power. Admit it, you want power. You want the power to control your circumsatnces and environment; you want the power to control your health, your present life situation and your destiny. You work to get money not because you want money, but because of what you think money can give you and that's power - power to do what you want and how you want to do it, go where you want, eat what you want, drive what you want, etc, without anyone being able to tell you that you can't.

This desire is in the heart of every human and it is actually a Godly desire put inside of you from your conception. You were created and pre-programmed to exercise power; power over the physical environment, power over yourself, power over your gifts and talents. The problem came when we were separated from the Source and Regulator of our power and dominion mandate. This caused us to try and misappropriate power and mis-use it by trying to manipulate people so we could feel powerful, but because this was an abuse of power it still leaves us feeling frustrated. The only way to satisfy this need for power is to re-connect to the PowerGiver and to follow His prescribed path to attain and administrate the power delegated to us. Power is found in the Kingdom of God. (Constituion references: Genesis 1:26,28; Luke 16:16 (Amplified translation); John 14:6,12-14)"

Taken from a post in the facebook group "Kingdom Ambassadors", written by Mark Hollomon.

T &T PART I: The Newly Single Woman

this is the first part of an X-Part series entitled “Transitions & Transformation”, where i'm being open about several different areas of my life in which i'm experiencing a huge shift in focus, perception, and/or responsibility leading to a transformation in my mindset and behaviors. [excuse the rawness of this post, it may or may not be edited at some point]

PART I: The Newly Single Woman
The first, and most dramatic of these events is the split from my boyfriend of over 4 years. We met when I was 16, he was 18, entering our freshman year of college. We “grew up” together, had been there for each other during the crazy maturation process that happens to everyone during those young adult years. I can truly say that I did not know myself as an adult without him. He was literally my best friend, someone who knew things that others never will, someone I always talked about spending the rest of my life with. Over the past few months our lives became misaligned and there was a certain separation that seemed to naturally occur. No one is to blame for what happened, and it was obvious to both of us that RIGHT NOW is the time that we venture on our designated paths to become our best selves.

Although we’ve had our issues and “break-ups” throughout our college years, we both knew in our hearts that this time was different. This time the separation was not a result of selfish ambition, laziness, or outside influence. It was the result of prayer, wisdom, revelation, and a mature decision to do what is best for us at this time in our lives. It’s been over six weeks that we’ve been apart & I must say it’s been a difficult transition.

Having someone be in your life in a specific role, and depend on them for things that you can depend on no one else for is an amazing thing especially when you feel as though you reciprocate that role in their life. Then suddenly, it has all changed. He is no longer my boyfriend but now “the homie”. I have to remove certain responsibilities from him. Which is difficult.

I must say though, good fruit has come from our obedience. In our short time apart, we have both been challenged to mature in ways that we wouldn’t have had we still been together. Often times we used our relationship as a bandage to cover up wounds from injuries we sustained before we entered into the relationship. We covered up issues that needed to be dealt with, because we knew that we continuously made the decision to love each other unconditionally despite our deepest flaws.

i wrote this at the beach.

Even though there are 50 million people here, nothing compares to the silence I experience. There are sounds, but no noise. Nothing produced unnaturally or artificially.

Although I know facts about your filthiness and I'm sitting less that half a mile from pollution billowing smoke stacks, something about your power makes me feel as though I'm being cleansed. You're ready to swallow me whole, engulf me in your vastness.

I'll be still.
I won't fight back if you take me with you.
I'll be steal.

Your strength reminds me of a story I heard once. About the life of a little wave who upon approaching the shore was apprehensive, was fearful that this was the end of his journey. I don't remember exactly how it goes but I know he rejoiced at the end, because as he was brought back to sea a new destination lied ahead.

I won't move, I'll be steel.
Take me with you, I'll be steal.
Make me strong, I'll be steel.

Tough enough not to bend when I approach a journey's end, but rejoice at the voice of something new to begin. It's calling me to leave, I've been called by the sea. Beckoning me to leave the shore, telling me there's so much more.

Carried by the waves, encapsulated in their silence. I'm so open-minded that I'm closed off to the rest of the world. Existing in my own as if I'm the only girl.

Cleanse me in your waters. Make me stainless as steel. I know in your vastness there's the power to heal. The properties in your chemical make-up induce me to chill.

I'm too hype, I gotta chill.
Where's the ice, I need to chill.
This man's wife gave me chills, so I stared at her a little longer. I figured she could teach me to be stronger. But the puppeteer's hand changed the angle of my sight. One day I think I'll have the ability to control the direction of my life.

A torn soul leads me to write.
A torn ligament leads to strife.
A torn bra strap ends the night, "but I don't think anyone can tell girl!"

She doesn't feel secure so we gotta go home. I don't feel secure so I stay on the shore. Listening to the waves whisper "there's gotta be more".

i'm supposed to spend more time blogging.

because i'm supposed to spend more time writing.

FREE FLOW.

the following entry is just a free flow of unorganized thoughts that i just need to get out of my head before it explodes.

today i was at work for five and a half hours with a classroom full of kindergarteners. i did not have a break.

today is my sisters birthday, we had 50 bajillion people in my dad's house. it kinda made me nervous.

i guess it was taco tuesday. but it was more tuesday than tacos in that piece.

i don't know what i'm going to write about right now, but i feel mentally nauseous meaning i'm gonna vomit soon.

and hear it comes ...

why don't things make sense anymore? life is too complicated.

but when you live life simply you're seen as being "turnt down."

i like to read books. books are freaking awesome.

most people don't like to read.

that's strange to me.

if you're still reading this, you're awesome.

idk if, how, when, why i should post this.

why not. it's my blog. i do what i want.

just trying to figure out if i'm a hater.

I’m just trying to figure out if I’m a hater.

I see this group of four beautiful young women. All dolled up – cheekbones perfectly outlined, eye shadow properly blended, complexions smoothed, lashes extended to the heavens, Indian hair curled and fluffed. They all have on a pair of $200+ designer jeans, I’m sure I saw two Louie V, a Gucci & a Fendi bag, paired with stilettos to elevate them above the crowd.

I’m just trying to figure out if I’m hating.

When they walk in my first thought is “ugh”… But why did I think that? Something about their demeanor seemed superficial. My next thought is … “Who paid for all that?!” These women were my peers & I can barely afford a wallet at Wal-Mart. Then I thought, if I didn’t spend $150k on my education & allocate all my paychecks to pay for dance & yoga classes…. I could probably get me a Louie bag too.

So was I hating?

i am organized and clutter-free.

Daily Affirmation #2.

I have always been slightly OCD when it comes to keeping myself organized. As far as schoolwork, scheduling, and calendars go - I have an effective system which is tedious & overwhelming for some, but it works for me. When it comes to keeping clothes off the floor & shoes put away, it's a different struggle.

"I am organized and clutter-free." Since I've started saying this daily, I've noticed a change in my habits. Last night, instead of passing out on a bed full of clothes, books & paper, I took a few mins to put them away. It took only a few mins - but made A LIFETIME of difference in the quality of my sleep. I've also started the PROCESS of eliminating clutter from my bedroom. Most of my clutter has to do with unfinished projects - things that are supposed to be decorated, scrapbooked, bedazzled, etc. There are mementos and souvenirs from events I've gone to & trips I've taken... As I was going through BOXES & BOXES of EIGHT YEARS WORTH of this nonsense I had the most amazing revelation.

ALL THE MEMORIES I WANT, I ALREADY HAVE.

Meaning ... everything that was important, all my significant memories are readily available in my psyche. Why must I hold on to deflated balloons & theme park maps to trigger a memory of something in the past? Many details of which I had forgotten, some good, others bad - but my point is that these moments weren't significant enough to shape me into who I am at this moment. If they were, they'd be held in my heart/mind/spirit not in a plastic fork.

I begin to rip up papers, toss things away & sort. Filling up trash bags with insecurities, low self-esteem, pride, lust, envy, jealousy, ex-boyfriends, old friends, classes passed, classes failed, competitions won, games lost, ALL THAT. I not only de-cluttered a section of my room. I cleared out space in my heart, mind, soul, and BRAIN for new ideas, new love, new journeys, new discoveries to come in and occupy the free space which was so recently filled to the brim with baggage.

AND IT FEELS SO AWESOME!

i am who i be, and i will be what i say.

I along with a group of my buddies are doing an experiment. We wrote down brief statements of who we want to be and what we want to accomplish ... but in PRESENT tense, not future tense. Instead of saying, "I will own a home," we say "I am a homeowner. Stating "I am debt-free", rather than "I am going to be debt-free", gives it a certain power & responsibility. It becomes something you believe about yourself in the present, meaning you will begin acting as such NOW.

We decided that we would speak the statements aloud every day for 30 days, and at the end of the month come back together and see how each of us has benefitted.

I personally decided to title mine "Daily Affirmations"...
So it's been about 7 days and already two of these statements have positively affected my behavior and attitude. So I guess that's what I'll be blogging about for the next few entries ... stay tuned!

i'm back ... wait .. did i leave?

yes i kind of did. tumblr is NOT what i thought it was. i mean ... it is in a sense. but it's not original enough for me. so i will continue to post things of importance and RELEVANCE to my LIFE on my blogspot/blogger. tumblr is for incessantly random, & incohesive play. it just doesn't really mesh with my original vision for MY BLOG. so yeah ... i'm gonna keep up with both. sorry blogger than i have forsaken thee, i won't do it again. peace&&blessings.