I’m just trying to figure out if I’m a hater.
I see this group of four beautiful young women. All dolled up – cheekbones perfectly outlined, eye shadow properly blended, complexions smoothed, lashes extended to the heavens, Indian hair curled and fluffed. They all have on a pair of $200+ designer jeans, I’m sure I saw two Louie V, a Gucci & a Fendi bag, paired with stilettos to elevate them above the crowd.
I’m just trying to figure out if I’m hating.
When they walk in my first thought is “ugh”… But why did I think that? Something about their demeanor seemed superficial. My next thought is … “Who paid for all that?!” These women were my peers & I can barely afford a wallet at Wal-Mart. Then I thought, if I didn’t spend $150k on my education & allocate all my paychecks to pay for dance & yoga classes…. I could probably get me a Louie bag too.
So was I hating?
Sure. These girls were bad. The kind that would’ve made me a little insecure back in the day if I had stood next to them. Now I’m thinking to myself - I did what I needed to do for myself to be comfortable in who I was that day. I did my normal make-up routine, put on a cute outfit, had on some nice boots… I looked in the mirror a few times before I left and was satisfied with how I looked. Maybe in order for these girls to love who they are, this is how much they have to do.
Process.
Then I thought – I wonder what they think of themselves? Of the women here who aren’t as made-up? Of me? Are they nice? Superficial? Intelligent? Socially-aware? Ghetto? Bourgeois? Where did they come from? Where are they going?
Process.
Did I mention we were at a baby shower? In a backyard? Underneath a tent?
Were these women over-processed? My process is different from theirs I guess.
I’m still trying to figure out if I was hating!
They made me aware of my process. The process that it took for me to love myself. The process that it took for me to realize that I should take pride in my appearance. The process that it took for me to gain confidence in who I am…
hmph.
so what are you saying? you felt intimidated? i think we are soo overcritical of ourselves and others that when we something of this sort we ask ourselves "is this how I'm 'supposed' to look. No, I don't think you were hating to no extent, but I do think you felt like who do they think they are?!
ReplyDeletei don't know if i felt intimidated. i think if this had been a day where i hadn't taken the time to get myself together i probably would've felt a little intimidated because i didn't feel confident.. but i know i put in the effort & i felt cute! i just wondered where they were coming from. like did they think i was supposed to look like them? and did they look down on me because i didn't?? i totally agree with you on how i felt b/c they just walked in, weren't social at all - made a grand entrance and exit! i was like "who are these girls?!"
ReplyDeleteI don't think you were being a hater, but I do think you were being judgmental. I say this because it sounds like you were looking at things about them and making assessments of who they might have been based on these things, rather than a true knowledge of who they are. Feel me?
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